Sad Shit.

It's time to vomit words and emotions. I've got quite a bit on my not-drunk-enough-mind tonight.

Ever had a bad break-up from someone you thought you were in love with? Whether it was back in high school or during your adult life--that tough, hurtful feeling of someone gone. There's that discomfort that you revisit months, possibly years later. That reminissing, that void, that anger...

I'm experiencing that this evening.

Except I'm not longing for that ex, or an explanation from that ex. Well, I suppose, in a way I am.

If you're reading this, there's a good chance that you know that a good friend of mine took his own life a couple years back. And that sucked. This evening, my thoughts have come to a head. All the manly, "put your feelings aside"-type of things have ceased. I miss him, and I am sad.

I'm not saying that Todd and I were in love. Jesus. I'm simply saying that I really have no other feeling to compare this to. I've felt love lost before...and it's the closest thing that I have to compare with the real loss of a close friend.

I normally try and sweep these sad feelings under the rug. I chalk them up to "moving on" or "what a selfish act". And this is true. That's certainly what I think about. I do...a'hem, WE do have to move on. And, as far as suicide goes, it is a selfish act. So with these blunt, truthful thoughts in my head, I stick out my jaw, squint my eyes, and move on like a man.

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about him lately, but I have.

He never got a chance to meet my wife. I've met his. She's contacted me lately via the Facebook. I accepted. She was always nice...we all got along really well. They had a beautiful little girl together. She's gotten so big.

I suppose I've been pretty homesick lately, as well. Thinking about old friends...family. My folks actually went to his funeral because I couldn't make it. That's love. Sure, they knew Todd. He was one of the boys that loitered my parents' house back in the easy days. I've been missing the whole crew.

This is really the first buddy that I've had that's died. Good chance I'll see more when I'm old and decrepit...but that's how it is then. I want to be able to celebrate my friend's and family's lives, not mourn them. Thinking about all this really makes me want to embrace my life, my family's lives, and my friend's lives.

This whole sad-fest isn't meant for anything other than my own therapy. I was reluctant to write, but it's my blog--my soap box--my voice, and I can write whatever I want. Good chance I won't even click "Publish Post" when I'm done. Only reason I might is because it may open up thoughts or conversation for some of my other friends feeling the same shit.

I'm sure my verbal diarrhea isn't exactly making anyone feel any better. Sorry. But talking about that asshole is starting to make me feel a little better. Somehow my sadness and anger have subsided--at least temporarily--and I'm thinking about all the other lives of people I love. Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but it's what I'm feelin'.

Maybe Todd knew something was wrong. Maybe he knew that he wasn't right--that someone might get hurt. Maybe he did it to protect people. Maybe.

Maybe he's letting me know that it's okay now.

Fuck, I don't know. Those thoughts might be delusional, but they make me feel a little better. I knew a Todd. But maybe I didn't know Todd.

At any rate, if I end up clicking "Publish Post" I should apologize for digging up sad thoughts. These things probably are better left unsaid.

But it's my blog. And I am sad tonight.


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I Was Reminded Of A Very Strong Opinion That I Have While On My Way To Work Today.

I fucking hate R.E.M..



The end.







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Fish Lottery.

Last night after I got home from work, I had a package waiting on the front porch for me. It was a book I had ordered about fly fishing Missouri--the state that I was born and raised in. As I flipped through this book that will remain nameless, I became disappointed. The book left out a ton of fantastic water that most definitely should not be overlooked. But as the disappointment quickly turned into acceptance, I started thinking about all the water listed, all the water not listed...and then I started thinking about all the water.

It's difficult to wrap your brain around, but there is an obscene amount of fishable water out there. And by "out there", I mean exactly that. Everywhere. Missouri, Colorado, most everywhere.

And that got me to thinking about fishing as much of that water as humanly possible. My thought process resembled that of trying to answer the question of "If I won the lottery, how would I spend my money?".

Jeez, if I had the chance to fish any and all bodies of water that my heart desires, how would I go about it? Where would I start? Where would I finish? Would I finish? Would I just fish until I physically or mentally couldn't take it anymore? I'd like to give it the ol' college try.

Then I started thinking about it in realistic terms--not just "spending my make-believe lottery winnings". How would an everyday, average Joe afford something like this? Could I balance a feat like this and my grown-up-type responsibilities? Hmmmm.

These are valid questions. And comparing this to winning the lottery is valid also, because this is exactly what I would do if I won the lottery: Fish as many places that I could fit into the remaining years of my life. Every state, every continent, every lake, river, creek, and sea. Sounds nice, huh?

I'm still thinking about it. I'm thinking about how to pull this off. The thought of fishing everywhere, for everything, greatly appeals to me. About as much as winning the lottery--which, at this point may be the only way to accomplish this.

If I figure it out, I'll let you know. If I win the lottery, though, I can assure you that you won't hear from me for quite a while...


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Restless Soul.

"A restless soul never finds what he's looking for."

I heard that phrase a couple weeks ago. It actually came from Vince Gill describing Merle Haggard, as Merle was being inducted into the Kennedy Center Honors. It's stuck with me--it's more than stuck with me. It's been at the forefront of my mind.

Those words describe how I feel about myself. I am constantly trying to discover the perfect life, the perfect ride. I've done a decent job so far. Managed to find an amazing girl to marry, got me a cute dog, family's good and all. But I am restless.

I want to move on to the next adventure. Not summiting Everest or anything like that, just quickly switching chapters in my life. Moving. Shaking. Some might suggest that I'm in the midst of one of those chapters right now, and maybe I am. But I am restless.

I am ready to move--in the general sense of the term. I want to be in motion. I want to travel, discover, explore--and when I'm unable to do that, I become restless.

I believe I'll find what I'm looking for. I'm too hell-bent on finding it not to. But when I do find it, will I realize that I've found it? Or will I be too restless to realize?


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Earl's Mailbox.

I tell ya, people are always asking me questions. It's cool though, I appreciate it. And I try and give an honest answer.

I've compiled lots o' questions from lots o' people throughout the years. Fly fishing questions, music questions, food questions, questions about this and questions about that. People that come into whichever shop I'm working at ask questions. People on the facebook asking me questions. People emailing me about one of my blog entries--asking questions. So I've decided to post some of these questions, along with my answers. As a general rule, I prefer to avoid too much seriousness in my writing by getting intoxicated.

So, I got me a day off today and have been drinking since 11am and listening to 80s metal. So here goes Earl's Mailbox.

(Please note that in order to protect people's identities, I've adjusted the questions appropriately.)

Q: If you're so damn all-knowing and particular about music, why do you listen to metal?

Earl: First off, it's 80s metal--not just metal. There's a big difference, which if you knew anything about metal, you would refrain from asking such a ridiculous question. Current metal lacks bandannas, spandex, partying all day, denim & leather, chicks, pyrotechnics, surprised guitar-solo faces, screams, kicks, songs about partying all day, fun drugs, triple-neck guitars, jumps, makeup, and partying.

So the reason that I listen to 80s metal is pretty self-explanatory...


Q: You say you like Scotch, what's your favorite?

Earl: I like the Johnny Walker Red. "Red??" you might ask? Yes, Red. It's only $30-$35 a jug--yes a jug (1.75ml), not a 5th (750ml)--and if you were to do the Pepsi Challenge with Red and Black, good chance you'd choose the Red. I'm not saying I don't like the Black, just can't justify paying the extra cash. More JWR for less money vs. less JWB for more money equals a no-brainer. If I've got a $60 bill in my pocket though, I may just buy me a bottle of Green Label. Mmmmm.

I tell ya, I've had some single malts that have blown me away. Sad thing is: can't remember the names of them and I'm sure I can't afford them. I do appreciate them, though.


Q: What's the difference between these pants and these?

Earl: Well, these are green and denim. And these are poly and tan. Both make you look fat and stupid.


Q: Are you ever going to move back to Missouri?

Earl: Hell, I don't know. Once I win the Mega-Millions I wouldn't mind buying a lake house there. But as far as an everyday lifestyle, I'm a bit reluctant. Creepy religion, humidity, bugs, not many trout, and the lack of good beer is definitely against MO.

On the other hand--my friends, family, great BBQ, the best Pad Thai, the Cardinals, Chiefs tailgating, Mexican Villa, and enormous lakes present a pretty good argument.


Q: What was your first live concert?

Earl: Kenny Loggins at Swiss Villa Amphitheater in Lampe, MO. That was with my best friend and his parents, though. First parent-free concert was Night Ranger with Great White opening.


Q: What was your favorite concert?

Earl: Wow, that's a great question. There are different answers based on different times and circumstances.

I've seen the Ramones several times, but the best was at Mississippi Nights, a small club that used to be on the Landing in St. Louis. Johnny Ramone spit on me. RIP, Johnny.

The first time I saw The Mighty Mighty Bosstones was very memorable. I was young and it kind of defined me at the time.

AC/DC's Razor's Edge tour was incredible.

Dropkick Murphy's at St. Pat's is always amazing.

Willie Nelson performing at Red Rocks ruled.

Seeing DLR back with Van Halen a few years back was a blast.

Motorhead...Black Keys...Ray Condo...BR549...NOFX...

To answer your question, I don't know. There are hundreds of them. If I would have ever seen Johnny Cash live, good chance that would be my answer.

But I didn't...so it's Stryper.


Q: What's your best recipe?

Earl: A dozen chicken thighs, salt & peppered, grilled on top of charcoal and hickory, basted with Oklahoma Joe's "Night of the Living Sauce".


Q: What would you do if you won the lottery?

Earl: Throw a party.

Well, that's just a smattering. Keep asking me questions, and I'll answer them eventually. Albeit, on my nationally acclaimed blog post.

Thanks for asking and thanks for reading.


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Cool Things

I was just reading some reader letters from the local publication, The Mountain Gazette. The letters were answering the question, list "Cool Things You've Done". There were certainly some cool things listed, most of which had to do with outdoorsy-type accomplishments, which I dig. Summiting Everest, kaying a waterfall, winning a marathon...

Some though, totally random.

So here's mine...in no particular order.

1) Shot a bird on accident with my sling-shot.

2) Lost my virginity on a 3rd story hotel balcony railing. (Actually, she was on the railing. I was safely planted on the balcony floor. Yes, she.

3) Ziplined over the Costa Rican rainforest.

4) Played in a spectacular live rock and roll band for adoring fans.

5) Got married along a Colorado trout stream to a cool chick.

6) Rock climbed a 5.10.

7) Almost stepped on a rattlesnake.

8) Had a 1989 Ford Probe airborn more than once.

9) Have seen The Ramones live...four times.

10) Had a boulder fall on me and pin me face down in a river.

11) Moved to Florida for a year, but don't remember it.

12) Have had my nose broken twice from fighting poorly.

13) The time after losing my virginity was in the bed of a white S-10 going 90mph down a farm road. Don't remember who was driving.

14) Met Mike Shannon and two of the four members of Rancid. At separate times.

15) Had a grand slam. In fly fishing, that's a rainbow, brown, brook, and cutthroat all in one day.

16) Whitewater rafted crocodile infested waters.

17) Been arrested.

18) Been to 15 consecutive Cardinals v Cubs series. The trend was broken last year.

19) Have seen Styper live. Icing on the cake? White Lion opened.

20) Been attacked by hornets. Not Lucas Parks dressed as our high school mascot.

21) Took a month off to travel and fly fish Colorado.

22) Helped arrange and celebrate Dokken Day, 2010--a festival of all things 80s metal.

21) Realized that this list needs much more added on to it.





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I Suck.

Yea, I suck.

It's hard to write when you're neck-deep in your plan of attack for life. "Wth?" you ask.

My plan of attack on life involves traveling my face off while incorporating wonderful things that I love into my travels. Great food, different corners of the country, fly fishing, things and deals abroad, delicious beverages, interesting people, my beautiful wife, maybe a kiddo or two, writing bunches, and so forth and so on. In order to get that ball rolling, I had to put an immediate stop to my at-the-time current profession. So I went ahead and did that.

Now, I'm much more in line with the direction that I need to be headed. I'm tuned into fly fishing, travel, and although I've slacked on my own blog...writing. Things are swell.

I am now practicing patience and slowly directing my dream. I realize that I'm being vague on what that plan, or dream actually is. That's because I'm not 100% positive what it is just yet. I just know that it involves traveling, fishing, experiencing, living, and writing.

So, with that said, I'll try and update this site on a more regular basis. If anyone out there is interested in offering me a substantial amount of money to do the aforementioned things listed above, facebook me or something.


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