Never-Happy Rant.

And I thought I was egotistical when it came to fly fishing.

Dealing with fly fishermen everyday and witnessing first hand the incestuousness, the cliquishness, the clubhouse mentality--it has quickly made me grow weary of the one activity that I hold dearly to my heart.

When I say that I'm egotistical, it's more or less in a tongue-&-cheek manner. I've been fly fishing for thirty years, so I think I'm pretty good. That's where my back-patting starts and ends--with a shit-eating smerk, of course. Don't worry, I self deprecate enough to balance out both humors.

I don't loiter fly shops on a weekly basis. I don't keep up with the latest fish catching trends, methods, or gadgets. I don't read every magazine article, attend every clinic and trade show, or mimic anglers whom I deem better than myself simply because they're employed by the industry. No, I just kind of know how to fish. I adapt to conditions, understand what fish usually eat, and apply thirty years of trial and error. See? I'm somewhat egotistical.

To be accepted into one of these fly fishing cliques (or the fly fishing clique), you have to continually rub elbows with people in the know. That is, people whom other people think are fly fishing geniuses. People that can definitely talk the talk. They live, eat, and breathe fly fishing. At least fly fishing jargon. I call it shop knowledge. And I've never felt the need to frequent a fly shop for the sake of talking shop. I don't get satisfaction from spec-dropping. I don't need to feel that the more I talk the more I'm going to be accepted into the realm of fly fishing elbow-rubbers. It's like a Chamber Of Commerce meeting. All you're doing is trying to one-up the other guy with your random shop knowledge and name dropping.

I've never been subjected to ugly side of shop culture--until I started managing a fly shop a few months ago. Now, it's unavoidable. Fly fishing is not that exciting anymore. It feels like work--it is work. When I go to the river, I feel like I'm on the clock. I've lost track of why I go.

This is the first time I've incorporated passion and employment. It's a sour mix--at least for a passion that is based on solitude, art, and spirituality. My passion is quickly becoming a means for fueling shop jargon, reports, and anything else that helps the shop make a dime. Which is fine--that's how it works. I made my choice.

I honestly do like the industry, but not at the expense of diminishing my true likes. Work is work. Fun is fun. Ain't much mixing the two. At least in my experience.


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Sad Shit.

It's time to vomit words and emotions. I've got quite a bit on my not-drunk-enough-mind tonight.

Ever had a bad break-up from someone you thought you were in love with? Whether it was back in high school or during your adult life--that tough, hurtful feeling of someone gone. There's that discomfort that you revisit months, possibly years later. That reminissing, that void, that anger...

I'm experiencing that this evening.

Except I'm not longing for that ex, or an explanation from that ex. Well, I suppose, in a way I am.

If you're reading this, there's a good chance that you know that a good friend of mine took his own life a couple years back. And that sucked. This evening, my thoughts have come to a head. All the manly, "put your feelings aside"-type of things have ceased. I miss him, and I am sad.

I'm not saying that Todd and I were in love. Jesus. I'm simply saying that I really have no other feeling to compare this to. I've felt love lost before...and it's the closest thing that I have to compare with the real loss of a close friend.

I normally try and sweep these sad feelings under the rug. I chalk them up to "moving on" or "what a selfish act". And this is true. That's certainly what I think about. I do...a'hem, WE do have to move on. And, as far as suicide goes, it is a selfish act. So with these blunt, truthful thoughts in my head, I stick out my jaw, squint my eyes, and move on like a man.

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about him lately, but I have.

He never got a chance to meet my wife. I've met his. She's contacted me lately via the Facebook. I accepted. She was always nice...we all got along really well. They had a beautiful little girl together. She's gotten so big.

I suppose I've been pretty homesick lately, as well. Thinking about old friends...family. My folks actually went to his funeral because I couldn't make it. That's love. Sure, they knew Todd. He was one of the boys that loitered my parents' house back in the easy days. I've been missing the whole crew.

This is really the first buddy that I've had that's died. Good chance I'll see more when I'm old and decrepit...but that's how it is then. I want to be able to celebrate my friend's and family's lives, not mourn them. Thinking about all this really makes me want to embrace my life, my family's lives, and my friend's lives.

This whole sad-fest isn't meant for anything other than my own therapy. I was reluctant to write, but it's my blog--my soap box--my voice, and I can write whatever I want. Good chance I won't even click "Publish Post" when I'm done. Only reason I might is because it may open up thoughts or conversation for some of my other friends feeling the same shit.

I'm sure my verbal diarrhea isn't exactly making anyone feel any better. Sorry. But talking about that asshole is starting to make me feel a little better. Somehow my sadness and anger have subsided--at least temporarily--and I'm thinking about all the other lives of people I love. Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but it's what I'm feelin'.

Maybe Todd knew something was wrong. Maybe he knew that he wasn't right--that someone might get hurt. Maybe he did it to protect people. Maybe.

Maybe he's letting me know that it's okay now.

Fuck, I don't know. Those thoughts might be delusional, but they make me feel a little better. I knew a Todd. But maybe I didn't know Todd.

At any rate, if I end up clicking "Publish Post" I should apologize for digging up sad thoughts. These things probably are better left unsaid.

But it's my blog. And I am sad tonight.


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I Was Reminded Of A Very Strong Opinion That I Have While On My Way To Work Today.

I fucking hate R.E.M..



The end.







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