Me.

This post is all about me. Carelessly revealing. I figure it's my blog so why not?

I am horrible at being an adult. I am 100% worthless when it comes to the following adult characteristics, tasks, and general things that every adult should be good at. Working a real job, fixing things around the house, being responsible, doing taxes, paying bills, understanding insurance, working on a car, making important adult decisions, discussing politics, doing whatever with stocks & bonds, having a retirement plan, getting my teeth cleaned, changing my oil, not fighting at work, eating healthy, building a spreadsheet, doing a powerpoint presentation, basically anything involving a computer other than writing in my blog and surfing porn, watching my cholesterol, exercising more, 401K, how making money works.

I have the interests and mentality level of a 13 year old. I try to be adultish, but I just can't seem to focus. Whenever someone starts talking about the House Committee Budget, I look at them with an interested expression on my face, nodding my head and saying, "Oh, definitely." Then I start thinking about how they're ever going to make a good Superman movie. I mean, Christopher Reeve was okay (God rest his soul), but that was the 70s. We need an updated, non-bubble gummy, badass version of Superman. A little darker, like the Dark Knight series. How can you really make Superman dark--and believable? I don't know...I don't know...

I try to be good. About a year ago, right before my Granny passed away, the last thing she said to me was, "Just be good." Three simple words put together to make such a bold statement. I think I've always tried to be good, to a point. I was pretty ornery growing up and have still had my fair share of questionable acts as an adult. But it wasn't until hearing my Granny tell me that, while she lay on her bed knowing that those were probably going to be her final words to me on this earth, that I've consciously used that as my life's guidance. It's so simple. So perfect.

I'm not necessarily going to start doing missionary work or house orphans in my living room. I just think it keeps you on the right track. It helps steer you in day-to-day life, making the right decisions and being a person of honesty and integrity. Although I slip from time to time, I still like to think that I'm "being good".

The things that I'm interested in won't make me any money. I'm interested in fishing. Sooo, let's see...I could work at a tackle/fly shop? I could fish tournaments? I could guide? And...that's...about...it. I've worked at shop--not getting rich there. Tournaments will probably cost you more to participate in than you could honestly win. And guiding? See tackle/fly shop response.

I like music. Okay, how about a band? I'm no longer 20 and was never that talented to begin with. You could work in a studio? Na, I can barely plug in a guitar. Radio DJ? Really?

I like kid stuff like super heroes, baseball, comic books, cartoons, toys, and movies with either Trans Ams or Wookies in them. Pass.

I like to drink. My love of drinking serves as therapy and medicine for working a real job. It'd be weird if the two collided.

I am a dreamer, not a doer. I have the best ideas you've ever heard of. They range from lucrative business ventures to forming a cult. My ideas are gold. If there was a job for coming up with great ideas and not following through with any of them, I'd be a godamn millionaire. This has been a slow and painful realization.

I have never felt content. Well, that's not totally true. I feel content with my wife. I'm content with my family, my dog, and my Scotch intake. But I'm always wondering what's around the next corner. The grass is always greener, they say, so let's go check it out. It's exhausting, always dreaming of where to go next, what to do next, what to experience next, that I lose sight of comfort and stability. Those things have been fairly nonexistent in my adult life, due to my hyperactive brain changing it's mind ever other day. I can see the light, though. I think my time is soon--my time to sit, relax, and appreciate what I have, what I've done, and what's to come. I'm looking forward to the challenge.

I'm unattracted by addiction. That's a really broad statement, one that might mislead. Although I am repulsed by crack whores and methies, that's not what I'm getting at. Maybe addiction isn't the right term, but when someone becomes so in to something that it's all they talk about, think about, and do, that's what I'm referring to as "addiction". I love to fish. I love to bass fish out of a fancy boat, I like to fly fish mountain streams for trout. And I'm not bad at either. But when I get around guys who are obsessed with it, it makes me not want to do it as much. Or at the very least, not do it their way. Same goes for just about anything of interest to me. I get around folks who are obsessed...addicted, then I get turned off. I prefer sticking to doing something my way. If I need help or have questions, I'll ask.

I've just been around too many people who are stuck on one thing--their thing. And it encompasses them entirely. It defines them. And I think that's sad.

I think people think I'm lazy. I can see that. When I'm doing something that I'm not enjoying I tend to drift off or shut down. I've been doing it since 4th grade. During math, I would start thinking about anything other than math. I couldn't focus on math, because I hated math. There's probably some sort of name for that--ADHD or someshit. I don't think it's lazy. I'm not consciously refusing to do math, I just can't seem to focus on it. Not a lot's changed.

Lately, I've felt kind of worthless. Approaching 40 and not knowing what you want to do with your life is pretty scary. The things that I'm good at, the things that I'm interested in, and my increasing age has me in a pretty low percentile of guys that are going to be monetarily successful. I suck at everything to do with money. So I've decided to downsize. I've spent a lot of money in my time on crap. Just useless crap. I'm going to stop with the stuff. There's just too much stuff. The way I see it, if you can't be that rich dentist driving the Range Rover, you might as well be happy living within your means. Of course, I've never been content so that might be a challenge.

I think happiness is underrated. I've made a vow to myself to not take happiness for granted anymore. I'm good at some things, I suck at others, but at the end of the day I need to sit back and appreciate what a cool life I've got. I know it sounds like hippie nonsense, but as long as you've got loved ones and mediocre health, you're not doing too bad. Think about it.
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