Saturday, December 26, 2009

Mountain Dan.

Well, it's the day after Christmas and I've been doing a lot of thinking. That's what I do. I've seen more negativity this year than I can remember seeing in years past, which is unfortunate. In my last post I described a little about how I view and appreciate the holidays, and there has been so much this year that has tried to take that away from me, in a spiritual sense, because that is what makes Christmas so special...the spirit.

Yes, I work in retail. I have for some time now, but not necessarily in an environment like the one I'm currently in. Up until the job I'm at now, I worked in an outdoor atmosphere. Sure, we sold nice apparel and had to deal with some of the craziness that accompanies the holidays in the retail world. But the joint I'm at now is very similar to working in a mall store. Yes, we do carry some outdoor gear, but it gets completely ignored at Christmas and the coats with the gigantic logos are what put people in a buying frenzy.

And needless to say, working in the type of place that I'm at now is souring my taste for the holidays. Because I witness just how bad people can be. I live with the consumption, the selfishness, the excess, the impatience, the loudness, the rudeness, the crowds...all on a daily basis.

And yes, that is what I signed up for. By working in the retail industry, I have forfeited my Christmases for the most part.

I have colleagues that it doesn't affect as much. They power through it. They are able to keep a smile and accept it as part of their job. I can, to a point, mainly because I understand that it's my job and how I pay my bills. But it still chips away at me about as much as hearing "Little Drummer Boy" 27 times a day. So I've decided to change it.

I understand that throughout life we have to do things that we don't like. That's part of it. But the way I see it, if you can change those things that you don't like, why not change them then?

So I have decided that I am going to change my Christmas traditions. It may not happen next year or the year after that, but it will happen. You see, changing my holiday traditions immediately just to satisfy myself is quite selfish, and thus one of the characteristics that I'm wanting to avoid. So it is going to take cooperation and compromises.

What I would like:

First and foremost, I am going to need a minimum of three days off; the 24th, 25th, and 26th of December.

Secondly, Christmas needs to be big. It's a festival, so we should treat it like one. Music, lights, fantastic food and drink, comradary, and fun. It seems to me like by the time Christmas day finally rolls around, everyone's too worn out to really enjoy it the way it should be enjoyed. Surely due to all the scrambling to buy-buy-buy, dealing with the ridiculous crowds of fair amounts of mean people, and the mental breakdown of finding that "perfect" gift for that special someone (which is probably just a fucking jacket from The North Face anyway). So early preparation is of the essence.

As far as a location goes, I think that in my case I would prefer renting a large cabin in the mountains away from humans. That way, everyone is sharing the cooking, the preparation, decoration, and the clean up. The ones that end up hosting Christmas at their house are always the ones that become exhausted first. A neutral location helps divvy out the responsibilities.

I also like the options of activities surrounding a mountain cabin that do not include watching television. I'm sure tv will be available, and that's cool. But activities such as snowshoeing, sledding, hot tubbing, innertubing...they offer different options, especially for the kids.

Presents are a part of Christmas, like it or not. But from witnessing the madness that goes along with buying that perfect piece of crap for someone, I'd like to reevaluate how presents are exchanged. There need to be parameters. I don't know exactly what those parameters are at the moment, but it needs to include the number of gifts, lack of returnability, creativity, and thoughtfulness.

I remember getting Star Wars action figures, He-Man, G.I. Joe's, Hot Wheels, and Super Heros when I was a young'n, and it was utopia. Kids need that, along with fishing poles, binoculars, and bee-bee guns. It accelerates the imagination. But we don't need overkill. We need to relax on the excess.

Lastly, I would like the adult's presents to include helping out with transporting the other adults to said mountain location in as hassle free of a manner possible. Other presents should include pitching in on renting the cabin, food, drink...and if we insist on exchanging presents between adults, see above parameters that need to be established.

I'm not bitching--I got some cool shit this year. Ate some great food. But it was crammed into one day, and during that one day I was exhausted, as I'm sure some of my other co-Christmasers were. Early preparation, avoiding the madness, and getting away together is how I'd like to outline my holiday.

And once again, from an earlier post, church is fine. It makes me feel good, but it's not necessary for me. But it is to some. The compromise could be finding a cabin within short driving distance to a small church in the mountains. That would be nice. And there would be no swerving to avoid car crashes with Christmas Eve Denver drunks.

It would be like a Smokey Mountain Christmas starring Dolly Parton and Lee Majors. Lee Majors plays the role of "Mountain Dan". I don't want to ruin it for you, but "Mountain Dan" turns out to be a nice guy. And I think he gets on Dolly.



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Friday, December 25, 2009

time for joy.

I like Christmas.

To me, Christmas should be celebrated close to family and friends and far away from everyone else. I do not like people, and the farther away from the majority of them that I am, the better.

Christmas needs to include food and drink. Lots of good food and drink. I'm not talking about a keg party or body shots, but some nog and spiced rum over ice cubes; popping a bottle of cab; or a couple-three fingers of good Scotch, all being enjoyed by the fireplace. In my family, we've bypassed the traditional meal of ham with the usual accompaniments. We cook the good stuff. This year it's ribeye and king crab legs. We don't have time to fuck around.

Jesus, God, and the whole "reason for the season" is not crammed down anyone's throat, yet we all still feel the closeness and warmth surrounding it. I personally don't need church to feel spiritually connected to the holiday. It's basically for the same reasons that I don't need church every Sunday to reinforce by faith and beliefs. I can do without the stories. To me, it cuts into my time with the people that I love, doing the things that we love to, thus creating warmth, spirituality, appreciation, and togetherness.

I just looked out my back window and saw two flocks of geese flying in perfect "v" formations over my backyard. Their shadows cast on the untouched snow in the park behind my house. To me, that is feeling closer to God than listening to someone I don't know tell me stories that they've read about. To each their own, though.

Have a good December 25th, kids.



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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Freedom 'Stache: Revisited

This is from an email I sent out to a couple friends of mine a few years back. It's called "Freedom 'Stache". I wrote it when I was being consumed by a desk job and all that it entails.

I grew a mustache.

I call it my "freedom 'stache". It is the best thing I've done for myself in quite a while. It makes me laugh, it gives me confidence, and it coaxes me to live free. Whether it be driving from Georgia to Texas and back in a 1977 Trans Am, blocking for 400 cases of illegal Coors beer; around the crime-laden streets of Hawaii in a Ferrari; or coast to coast in a recreational vehicle, hitting every fish-filled stream, every ripped barstool, every cup of coffee and plate of biscuits & gravy that I can find along the way. It boasts freedom.

The freedom 'stache does not approve of sitting at a desk. Nor does it approve of time clocks, businessman catch phrases, or production meetings. It prefers an empty highway over a computer screen. And it would rather warm up to hot cup of coffee in a tin cup after a chilly morning waist deep in trout water than filling up in the break room in between conference calls just to keep going.

While other mustaches adhere to general rules of society, office politics, and in-box thinking, the freedom 'stache opens up a window of free thinking, vision, and confidence. It makes a bad day into a good day. It is also sympathetic towards other mustaches, who see only what is directly in front of them.

I highly recommend the mustache. For freedom's sake.

It's time, once again, for the mustache. The Freedom 'Stache.

Please join me, if you feel so inclined. It's liberating.





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Friday, December 18, 2009

gong post.

I just watched the Van Halen video that I posted a few days ago, and it made me realize something. It made me realize that I want a giant, flaming gong. One that would make Chuck Barris jealous. I imagine gongs are pretty pricey, though. Especially ones that you can light on fire.

One day, when I become disgustingly rich, I will purchase a giant, fiery gong. Maybe put it above my bed, because that seems like the obvious place to display it. After I get done masturbating I would light it on fire and strike it with my flame-retardant mallet before crying myself to sleep. That might be dangerous, though. Of course, I do live for danger...



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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

So Far, So Good.

With all this talk lately of living and experiencing what this world has to offer, I actually took a moment today to reflect on all the experiences that I have had, good or bad, because that is what makes you who you are. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...or someshit.

All the "bad" experiences can actually be considered good, because those are just part of life. How can you experience what the world has offer if you don't encounter a little bad? You learn from it, and you also appreciate it more when the good comes along.

I've experienced heartbreak. I've lost my temper a few times - and taken it out on inanimate objects. Luckily, I haven't experienced "extreme" tragedy, but I have lost loved ones before their time, sometimes tragically. I've been punched in the face. I've been kicked in the face - after I fell down from the punch. I have been completely and utterly lost in the wilderness. I have inhaled gallons of river water and had a giant rock fall on me. I have broken bones. I have broken my nose...three times (see above punch and kick). I've been fired. I've gotten an "F". I have been arrested. I have been suspended from school. I've been in car wrecks. I have been evicted. I have committed adultery. I have visited an emergency room more times than I would like. I haven't made a lot of money. I've been dumped. I've had hemorrhoids. I've had over 60 jobs.

But, I have also...

I have loved; I have married; I currently have true love. I have an incredible relationship with my family. I have punched someone in the face. I have travelled to exotic places (Costa Rica); some not so exotic (Joplin, MO). I have made amazing friends over the years, some of which I've known for 30 years or longer. I've up and split. I have lived on the beach. I have lived in the mountains. I have lived in between. I have great stories. I have blurry memories. I've caught a lot of fish. I have played music in front of an appreciative audience until my fingers bled and my voice was hoarse. I have not yet beat my wife at chugging Irish Car Bombs on St. Patrick's Day. I have participated in some of the largest Spring Break festivities known to upright man. I have seen the Ramones, four times. I have meandered, traipsed, wandered, and especially rambled. I've been to Monster Truck Jam and the Joey Chitwood Stunt and Thrill Show. I've been diving. I've hiked across mountains. I've seen 21 Cardinals vs. Cubs games. I've met Mike Shannon. I have fished in bass tournaments. I have guided fly fishing trips. I've drank incredible Scotch, wine, and beer. I've eaten over 100 lbs of rare steak, not at once. I have thought about uncontrollable, random shit until my eyeballs ached. I've seen sharks, bears, moose, elk, and chipmunks in the wild; all with different pitched voices, but all still with Mexican accents ( I realize 'Mexican' accent is not proper, but it is funnier). I've attempted entrepreneurialism...still a work in progress. I have career-leaped. I went to college. I've gotten a raise. I have listened to, acknowledged, and appreciated incredible music. I have bought a house. I've had great dogs, including the one who is sleeping under my feet right now, Cliff, and the one probably curled up on my sister's couch, Mike. I have been a part of some fantastic man-trips...there needs to be many more. I met all four members of Stryper. I lost my virginity in an odd place. I loved Johnny Cash before he died. I saw Mark McGwire's first home run as a Cardinal (went back-to-back with Ray Langford). I saw Willie McGee's last game at Busch Stadium. I've been to the very last game at Busch II, and the first game at Busch III. I've been to Wrigley when the Cubs lost. I have had quite possibly the best meal know to man, which consisted of walleye and morel mushrooms...both caught and picked that day and fried in a cast iron skillet on top of a rusty Coleman stove. I have laughed with my friends until my side hurt. I have projectile vomited, on purpose. I know who Django Reinhardt is. My mom makes the best chocolate chip cookies in life. I've seen a shooting star. I've seen a mountain lion. I intercepted the football during the Pleasant View Blue Jays big game against the Cherokee Indians in 1988. I've hit home runs in little league. I can do a backwards dive. My cholesterol is okay...considering. I've breakdanced on un-airbrushed cardboard. I've slept under the stars.

My life has been full of good things. Like I said, even the bad are good.

On the list...

The Testy Festy (fried cow testicle festival). Yellowstone, Yosemite, Glacier, Adirondacks. Europe. To meet Tom Selleck (I think I'd get along with him better than Burt Reynolds nowadays). Kiddo(s). Alaska. To write a book of random crap. Montana and Idaho. Rocklahoma. Kayak with orcas. To pay my folks back for bail money, college, moving back in six times, etc. To own my own business. Backpack New Zealand and Australia. Fly fish South America. To grow old with my wife.

This list wasn't written out of any sort of ego-trip. It was just something that I needed to do to make myself appreciate what I have and what I've done. Those who have helped out along the way - thanks.

Life's pretty cool, kids. Don't fuck it up.



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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Ain't Wasting Time No More...

I realize that I'm a smart enough and ambitious enough fellow to do whatever my heart desires. And I also realize that you have to be patient. Dreaming, plus careful planning, plus networking, plus an educated execution is probably a good formula for doing whatever it is that you want to do, but it takes time.

I don't like being patient, though. When it comes to my dreams and how I'd like to spend my time on this planet, in this body, during this life, I don't want to procrastinate. Realistically, I could die tonight. Sure, that may be a little morbid, but it's the truth. Who knows, other than the big guy? I could live 60 more years, or I could live 60 more days.

With those sobering thoughts in mind, I'd like to get started on experiencing more things.

There is so much that interests me, though, that it's going to be tough to squeeze it all in. So much music, culture, nature, food, drink. It's too bad that working takes up the majority of my (and most everyone else's) time. It's too bad that I can't get paid to do exactly what I want...

I'm working on it.


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Sunday, December 13, 2009

Retail vs. Christmas

"Is there anything we can help you out with today?"

"You guys finding everything alright?"

"If you have any questions on anything, just let me know!"

These phrases I say in my sleep.

I actually had a customer argue the other day, not only with me, but me and three other employees at different times whether the coat he was interested in was black or not.

DIPSHIT: "This coat isn't black, it's gray!"
ME: "Yea, I realize that some of our jackets may have different tones of black. It's just different dyes used by different manufacturing plants."
DIPSHIT: "There's no way this is black!"
ME: "I assure you, that jacket is black. If you would like one darker, maybe you'd like this jacket instead?"
DIPSHIT: "No. I want this jacket, but in black!"
ME: "Bud, that's as black as you're going to find that jacket. Here, I'll even show you the tag: 'Black'."
DIPSHIT: "It's not black."
ME: "It is. Trust me."
DIPSHIT: "I still don't think it's black..." as he walks away from me to argue the same pointless topic with another one of my employees.

Ahhh, the holidays! It brings out a lot of good in people, but it also brings out a lot of bad in people.

Bad, as in...

DIPSHIT: "What is your warmest jacket???" A question I get on a daily basis - sometimes the only question I seem to get all day. Fair enough, I guess. But enough with the debates.
ME: "Well, there are no temperature ratings on jackets like there are on sleeping bags - which are still fairly arbitrary - but with the knowledge that I have on the technology, I can most certainly make an educated assumption on this jacket as the warmest."
DIPSHIT: "No way. This one's gotta be warmer than this one."
ME: "Okay, fuck me." Then I walk away.

I hate people, yet I am in the service industry. Retail, to be exact. What is wrong with me? Why did I pick this profession? It sours my taste for the human race.

It has especially thrown a wrench in my Christmas spirit. I love Christmas...I truly do. Yet every year when Christmas approaches, as I'm trying so desperately hard to enjoy the spirit of the season, I automatically get avalanched by people trying to destroy my spirit with stupidity and rudeness.

DIPSHIT: "I'm looking for (describes the most popular coat manufactured by my company-and this is four days before Christmas)."
ME: "I'm sorry sir, we've completely sold out of that jacket."
DIPSHIT: "Well then order it for me."
ME: "I'm afraid it's sold out company-wide. Sorry."
DIPSHIT: "How am I supposed to get this coat then?"
ME: "You can try REI or Sports Authority."
DIPSHIT: "So you're not going to do anything for me..."
ME: "There's nothing I can do. The North Face makes a certain amount of coats based on their annual projections-it's not an endless supply. They distribute these coats to REI's, Sports Authorities, Dick's, Nordstroms, and thousands of other stores, including their own retail stores like this one. Unfortunately, since this is the most popular coat this season, all corporately owned TNF stores and outlets, as well as our Distribution Center and Ecomm Center are completely out."
DIPSHIT: "I just need you to find this coat for me."
ME: "If you give me just a minute, I can try and shit one out for you."
DIPSHIT: "That highly offends me! I'm never shopping here again!" Customer storms out as I pull my pants back up and wave at him.




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Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Halen.

This band created the formula for your quintessential hair band. "Classically trained" quiet guitarist who can still rock out; Flamboyant front man, who is a bit gay-but a bit manly. Girls want him, guys want to be him; Your bass player and drummer are always in the background, but everyone knows who they are and how good they are.

Sure, they stole some of their bit from Led Zeppelin, incorporated a little glam (ie: Sweet, New York Dolls), along with coutless other influences. I'm not getting paid money to promote them, I'm just sayin'. If you dig rock and roll, you can't deny Van Halen.

Without the Halen, there would be no 80s Metal. Yea, yea...I know. But c'mon, how much fun is that??

I'm going to represent my "Weekly 80's Metal Video" with this fantastic song. It's called "Unchained" and it is a top notch song. In my eyes, it's actually not a campy, goofy 80's video because VH actually paved the way for the less talented that followed. The Halen need the respect, because care or not, they created a brand new niche in rock and roll.

If you do not like this video, I am sure that I do not want to be associated with you ever.

Enjoy, friends with taste.



ps: I'm really drunk.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Hello??

Hey, could you guys do me a favor? Can you let me know if you actually read this? If you do, just put a comment below this entry.

I'm just curious. Thanks everybody. Or thanks no one.


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Alive Inside.

A few years back I recall sitting at work in Kansas City with the worst case of cabin fever imaginable.

Cabin Fever is basically a built up and bottled desire to get outside. The feeling is comparable to longing for a certain someone. Like a girl named Jennifer or Stephanie from seventh grade that was "dating" Mark or Chad, and you wanted her badly but she was not to be had (Hello, Dr. Seuss). Not at this time, at least. That's a similar feeling to cabin fever. You want something now, but you just can't have it. You're kind of trapped...at least for the time being.

In Kansas City, there aren't very many places to escape to cure your cabin fever. So even during the peak outdoor months, I found myself going a little crazy. It didn't help that I worked at a gear store, either. Day after day of selling backpacks and hiking boots to people that were going on adventures. Giving advice to these people while gritting my teeth, trying not to expose my jealousy. So, granted, one of these days I was either going to snap, or figure out a way to feed this beast that is cabin fever.

Lucky for me, while I was managing this gear store in K.C. I was also asked to guide fly fishing trips in Colorado. I've been fly fishing for quite some time now, which the powers that be knew, so they offered to pay me to caravan out to Buena Vista for seven days at a time to teach rich people how to catch trout.

During my first guide trip to Colorado, I quickly learned two things. That I was 93% certain that I did not want to guide for a living. And that I wanted to live in Colorado. Guiding was fun, but I enjoy fishing over guiding. And Kansas sucks, especially when coming from the West.

Each time that I would come back from Colorado it wouldn't take long for the cabin fever to set back in. It was like giving a starving child a taste of macaroni & cheese every five months. I realized that I needed more than just a taste.

As my fever grew to painful proportions, I started devising a plan. This plan involved a lengthy adventure followed by a relocation. The lengthy adventure included road tripping, campfires, a glass or two of Scotch, sleeping under the stars, and exploring new rivers with my fly rod. The relocation was Colorado, a place where cabin fever is a seldom sight.

As the plan of adventure began to unfold, I immediately realized that the planning proved to be invigorating. My job suddenly became to plan for this adventure. I made contacts to potential sponsors that provided me with necessary provisions in exchange for the possibility of exposure. I recruited a close friend to join me on the trip to document this adventure on film. I was offered use of a camper to live in from an acquaintance that is now a great friend. This jaunt had turned into an epic adventure, at least in my mind. My cabin fever had subsided and I was starting to feel more alive than ever. The thought of a day job seemed mundane. I wanted for this feeling of freedom and life to continue.

It did continue. The excursion started the day that I kissed my now-wife goodbye, and headed for the mountains in my beat up pick-up truck.

I made it to Buena Vista, Colorado in one day without any breakdowns or issues of that sort. For the next week, I would teach rich people how to catch trout one last time before driving off into uncertainty. And that I did.

I remember the morning after our clients had gone back to the Midwest. The other guides and I had enjoyed a day of fishing without the annoyance of holding rich people's hands. That morning we awoke at 4am so my fellow guides could get a jump on the long ride back to Kansas and Oklahoma. We said our goodbyes, they headed East, and I took a nap at an abandoned kayak access in my truck.

After I woke up from my nap, it was time to shift this adventure into second gear. No more guide cabin. No more familiar cities. No more home base. Just my rickety truck packed with everything I owned, three fly rods, and a Rand McNally Atlas.

For the next three weeks I embarked on a trip that brought new towns, new rivers, new faces, new topography, new wildlife, new taverns, a good friend, a camper, and a jug of Scotch. We drove unknown roads. We fished unknown waters. We explored unknown mountains. Unknown to us.

Afterwards, the relocation took place. The relocation was exciting, but real. It involved real life adult decisions which I sometimes made correctly and sometimes did not. There were moving vans, packing, house hunting, leases, jobs, commuting, and so on. Oh yea, and my soon-to-be wife that, luckily for me, did not leave me during any of this.

It's been over two years since I've moved out West. The cabin fever is generally a thing of the past, seeing as how I've got hundreds of choices for curing it at my disposal. I feel as though I've just finished my relocation part of the plan. In addition to living in a pop-up camper and in the back of my pick-up, I've made my residence in my inlaws' basement and two rental houses since becoming a Colorado resident. Eight months ago I bought a house, and three months after that I married April. The plan is complete...two and a half years later, it's complete.

Which brings me to the whole reason that I started writing this blurb in the first place. I am ready for another adventure.

A good friend of mine once told me that within this short life of ours, you have to do what makes you feel alive inside.

With that said - and I can assure you that is fantastic advice to live by - I am in the process of devising yet another life-giving adventure.

Sure, small excursions are necessary. April and I just spent the weekend up in Estes in an outasight little cabin. Before that, we stayed three days up in Snowmass Village - checked out a great concert, hiked up around Independence Pass, and fly fished the Frying Pan. And currently me and my buddies have a rugged man-trip in the works. Like I said, necessary.

But for me, the thought of planning and executing an epic adventure that few people I know would even think of appeals to me greatly. Not because of ego, but because it makes me feel alive inside. The excitement, the adventure, the possibilities, the enjoyment...it all flows through me like a river. Like a raging, rushing river, overflowing it's banks with passion - bountiful with beautiful, colorful, but dangerously emotional fish.........a'hem.

I have cohorts involved in this plan. Three cohorts who are excited about an adventure. Three cohorts who share my ambition. Three cohorts who want to live and not regret.

The planning is in the works, because planning is necessary when you're in your 30's. It is much more difficult to wing it when you have a mortgage. So careful, adult-style planning is currently on the agenda. Along with finances, other things to consider are time and...well, more finances. So, while keeping money in mind, one must dream big and have a strong vision of what one wants to accomplish. But if it's not exactly what you envisioned, that's okay. Plan big, expect not-as big. That's a safe formula. But there's always a chance of your dream becoming as big, or bigger than you had expected. That is what we call a real nice surprise.

I will keep this blog updated on the general outline of this adventure plan. I will not get into details because certain things change, and certain things do not necessarily need to be planned out to begin with.

Sleep well, my friends. And please dream of adventure. Because like a glass of good Scotch, it will make you grit your teeth and feel keen.


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Monday, December 7, 2009

DD Update.

I'm not going to let the cat out of bag. I'm just sayin'...there is going to be live music at Dokken Day 2010. That's as much info as I can release right now.

Obviously, the music will be classified as "80's Metal", otherwise it would not be accepted.

One other update to Dokken Day: It has already been run by the judges...Billy Squier is acceptable. Especially his masterpiece, "Don't Say You Love Me".

That is all for now.


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stupid elk.


I took this picture two days ago while Ape and I were up in Estes staying at this little cabin. Nothing artsy about the pic...just a big-ass elk walking around our cabin. He refused to have cocktails and get in the hot tub with us. Jerk.

picture time

The same aspen tree in my backyard. This branch reminds me of scrotums. Several little barky scrotums. I like the background and the lighting also, though.

picture time

This here is a picture of a ladybug. It was taken in my backyard on my aspen tree...by me. When I look at this picture, it relaxes me. It has some really soft light and I dig the contrast of the red and green.